I can’t tell you how many ways I’ve imagined murdering my router. I’ve imagined stabbing it while gleefully cackling as it dies, throwing it in the stream and watching it float away, crushing it with my car, jubilantly obliterating it with an ax, and finally, throwing it across the room to smash up against the wall. One could say I have deranged anger problem related to my router.
Internet, that lovely amazing thing that we all can’t seem to live without these days can be a massive pain in the butt. Out here in the sticks we don’t have cell service. We still have land lines, (Remember the phones that have a dial tone?) and our internet is one of three things, satellite, DSL (only if you’re lucky) and dial up. We didn’t have anything but dial up here for many years, then satellite came along with their faster speeds, and 5 million dollars a month packages that had VERY limited download ability. Basically, if you tried to watch Netflix it would take all day to get through one movie, and you’d be billed $1000 for the number of gigs used to stream it. Obviously, I’m exaggerating, but seriously I felt like I was being extorted on a regular basis, all so I could check my email. Then DSL became available in 2014. It was like the internet gods were smiling on our little town of less than 500. Suddenly we could watch Netflix and Amazon Prime and do more on the internet than just send an email. We were running through the flowering fields screaming, “YES the hills are alive with the sound of YouTube!” Of course, our happiness was cut short. Nothing lasts forever, right? With this great luxury came great annoyance. Dealing with the more than crappy issues that plague our service provider all the time is bit like going swimming in a pond full of leaches, looks great and feels great at the beginning, then before you know it your life force is being sucked out of you. I can’t begin to express how many times I’ve called to have them fix the same problem, yet nothing is done, I’d get a better response from my 98-year-old grandmother. (Okay, I don’t have a 98-year-old grandmother, but I imagine if I did, she could do better.) We can’t do anything about it because they are the ONLY DSL provider for this area.
I’m also trying to establish online “relationships.” That sounds all kinds of wrong, but you know what I mean. I can’t do that if I don’t have internet. I was talking to this amazing looking guy the other day, (With my luck he was probably a woman in a giant pink feather negligée and bright blue eyeshadow and curlers laughing at my stupidity.) and we were having fun bantering back and forth, then…my internet just quits. 5 hours later I’m finally able to respond, and of course I don’t get a response back from him. A friend said he wasn’t worth it if he didn’t understand my “issues.” (I’ve heard that before.) Okay, yes, I agree, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Imagine having an amazing conversation with a woman and she just freezes mid-sentence and turns into a non-responsive wax figure and that wax figure stays that way for 5 hours! Would you stand there waiting for her to come back to life? No, you’d go find someone else to talk too, someone with super-fast amazing internet! Oh, my god, I think after 37 years the country is really starting to get to me. I wish I could say that the frustration stopped there, but nope I also have an office here.
I’m on deadline right now and the internet has got a mind of its own, or rather my router does, it decides it will work in the morning but not in the afternoon. What do I get from my internet provider? I get bills that have erroneous charges on them, and tech support who are angels but customer service who I swear rose from the depths of hell, if demon spawn walk among us then they work in customer service for that company.